Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Progress in admitting, or just more self-destruction?

Ahhhh ... as an refreshing update to yesterday, had a good day at the crazy, humbling job I took. Worked with a different manager who is amazing, and actually didn't so much get the cold shoulder from one of the others who split the shift. I felt in control, and maybe even a little competent and capable. But, with good news, there's usually a little bit of a downside. As I said, I felt in control, and control seems to be the goal for the day, not just at work where I'm finding it pays off to be as naturally OCD as I am, but also, in terms of the "addiction" to the eating disorder. Having finally moved back home after a transitional stay with my cousins, whose job it was to make sure I stuck to my meal plan, I'm finding that with it just being my kid and me, it's much easier to fall into old patterns than I'd anticipated, though somewhere in the back of my mind, I think that's why I was so eager to get back home. Now I'm looking at the meal plan, figuring out exactly what I can cut and not pass out; starting back on factoring in calories; making sure I get in a heavy work out every day; and even planning that first thing. For instance, tomorrow AM, my plan is to work out at 5:30 in the morning, so I've got time for my kid at 7:00 before school starts, and can get to work on time by 10:00. I weighed the other day, too -- a huge no-no -- and counting the pounds till I can be back at my lowest weight. Then, I try to tell myself, I'll be satisfied and I'll stop, but let's get real ... the lowest weight leads to a couple more pounds off and then a few more and a few more and a few more. The part of me that tells me I've got to stop this train before it gets going isn't nearly so loud as it had been, and the eating disorder is calling me back like a bad ex-significant other, berating me for leaving, but promising the world if I just come back. That's how it is, I suppose. Now, the choice is up to me. I've admitted it, but what am I going to do about it? Something to ponder during that 5:30 walk, huh?


  1. First, I'm not sure working in a restaurant is the healthiest thing to do. I waited tables as a young un. Nothing kills the appetite like watching food prep. And that is without the added burden of an eating disorder. I am listed as a follower for this blog, but I hestated to do that. It reminds me of how I resisted having my UNV 101 students submit journals because I didn't want to put anyone at risk who might have written a plea for help when I wasn't paying attention. Not that I could help much anyway.

    You know what you are supposed to do. Please care even a sliver as much about yourself and your future as the rest of us who love you care. Do not lay the burden of watching you on your daughter. It isn't fair. She loves you with all her heart. Try to focus on the big important things in life. Follow your prescribed plan.

    My guess is that the downward spiral had a connection to a broken heart. When Urs was in the hospital in high school there was a woman there, older 60's maybe, who was there because of grief. It can knock the hell out of you. The self help book that I was given as homework during that time is Surviving the Loss of a Love. At that time, in my case, it was the loss of an image that I had for my daughter's future.

  2. Hey, Edwinna! So glad Kathy sent me the link to your sight! I hope you are doing well! Three weeks ago I took a HUGE first step and threw my scale away. Well, actually, I couldn't bring myself to actually throw it away so I took it to my therapist and left it with her. It was exhilarating. I still get a bit stressed over not having it, but it beats weighing myself up to 20 times a day!

    Let's get together soon!

  3. Hey, Katie! First, yes I'd love to catch up with you soon. I think I've introduced a lot of chaos in my life to keep me isolated. Not a good thing. Let me know your availability and we'll go from there. Second -- a major hurrah to you for throwing away the scale. So, so proud of you. I haven't repurchased one since I turned my old faithful over to my cousin, but I'm a little scared to look at numbers. Guess I'll take the reverse psychology as a reason not to run out and get a new one! Keep up the good fight. I'm really, really proud of you!!!! You can do this, and you are so, so worth it!

  4. Kathy, I appreciate your comments. I'm glad you signed on to follow. Please try to set aside your concerns about those pleas for help. Having wrestled with those issues pretty extensively, I'm grateful I have so many family and friends who care so much. Because of those folks, I can't let myself spiral down. It's too selfish, and would hurt those who care too much. I just can't do that to them. And, you're right. It's not fair to expect my kid to watch the meal plan. That was part of the reason I stayed with Jim for awhile, and now need to stay the course. It's interesting, this blog helps me stay connected and keeps me from hiding away all the craziness. It's a good souding board. Finally, you are correct that it's related to that broken heart. Odd -- for so many years, I was so content not to feel anything, and then when the relationship began I did nothing but feel. When it ended, it was as if a door were slammed in my face, but I had all these residual feelings to deal with, and no place to put them. And, trust me, I'm taking responsibility for my part in the end of the relationship. I can't throw it all of on the other party. Just not rational or responsible. I do so appreciate the insight you have, having gone through this type of thing with Urs, and I am so grateful for you sharing your experience. The book sounds like something worthy of investing some time. Thanks, Kathy. Hope to see you on the blog, and please know how much your comments and your concern mean to me.