Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Progress in admitting, or just more self-destruction?
Ahhhh ... as an refreshing update to yesterday, had a good day at the crazy, humbling job I took. Worked with a different manager who is amazing, and actually didn't so much get the cold shoulder from one of the others who split the shift. I felt in control, and maybe even a little competent and capable. But, with good news, there's usually a little bit of a downside. As I said, I felt in control, and control seems to be the goal for the day, not just at work where I'm finding it pays off to be as naturally OCD as I am, but also, in terms of the "addiction" to the eating disorder. Having finally moved back home after a transitional stay with my cousins, whose job it was to make sure I stuck to my meal plan, I'm finding that with it just being my kid and me, it's much easier to fall into old patterns than I'd anticipated, though somewhere in the back of my mind, I think that's why I was so eager to get back home. Now I'm looking at the meal plan, figuring out exactly what I can cut and not pass out; starting back on factoring in calories; making sure I get in a heavy work out every day; and even planning that first thing. For instance, tomorrow AM, my plan is to work out at 5:30 in the morning, so I've got time for my kid at 7:00 before school starts, and can get to work on time by 10:00. I weighed the other day, too -- a huge no-no -- and counting the pounds till I can be back at my lowest weight. Then, I try to tell myself, I'll be satisfied and I'll stop, but let's get real ... the lowest weight leads to a couple more pounds off and then a few more and a few more and a few more. The part of me that tells me I've got to stop this train before it gets going isn't nearly so loud as it had been, and the eating disorder is calling me back like a bad ex-significant other, berating me for leaving, but promising the world if I just come back. That's how it is, I suppose. Now, the choice is up to me. I've admitted it, but what am I going to do about it? Something to ponder during that 5:30 walk, huh?
Posted by Eileithyia at 8:44 PM